[CrackMonkey] The Hump Speaks

Nick Moffitt nick at zork.net
Sun Jan 7 11:35:12 PST 2001


                             I LOVE TELEVISION
   by Wm.(TM) Steven Humphrey

HEY! I ADMIT IT! When I make a boo-boo, you won't see me scurrying
around, covering my tracks. No siree, Bob! When I make an error, I
stand up straight and yell to the world, "WORLD, I admit it! I made a
mistake! I am not perfect! I am not a God! I am much like you; fraught
with human weaknesses, prone to the follies of mere mortals." Oh,
sure... I can hear my enemies howling with glee over my unseemly fall
from perfection, spewing their saliva and bile into their open palms
in a futile attempt to cover the chortles emanating from their
pie-holes. But STILL! I remain unashamed, and will be the first to
admit I pooh-poohed the idea of making a Charlie's Angels movie, when,
as it turns out, that movie FAWKING RAWKS!!

I love, love, LOVE the Charlie's Angels movie, and while I'm certain
there will be critics who hate it, that's only because their heads are
buried too deeply in their own stinky cracks to recognize true ART
when they see it. I LOVE Lucy Liu, I LOVE Drew Barrymore, and (brace
yourselves) I super-duper LOVE Cameron Diaz! I know! I usually hate
her stinking guts! But what can I say? Her choice to play a Charlie's
Angels character as a giggling, girlish, bug-eyed sociopath is
brilliant! Plus, add all those hottie bodies, the hilarious sexual
imagery (Lucy Liu with her thighs clamped around a missile), and
over-the-top chop-socky fight scenes, and I'm ready to hand Charlie's
Angels the freaking Oscar. Run, don't walk!

Whooo! I think I just came in my pants. Anyway, enough slobberin'. My
point is that while I may have been wrong about making Charlie's
Angels into a movie, I am most definitely NOT wrong that it's a
horrible idea for Hollywood to make a movie out of Scooby Doo! For
those who can't recall, the cartoon followed the annoyingly
predictable exploits of a band of teenage detectives (Freddy, Daphne,
Velma, and Shaggy) and their dog, Scooby Doo. It's also wildly
successful, loved around the world, and blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH!

NOW! I don't give a good goddam how popular this cartoon is, it won't
make a good movie because I HATE IT! Even when I was crapping my
diapers I hated it. It's boring and stupid, and for some reason people
are always reading more into the show than there actually is. Like the
whole "Velma is a lesbian" theory. Okay, she doesn't have a boyfriend,
and she dresses like a dork. That makes her a lesbian? I'm going to
send Melissa Etheridge over to kick your ass!

And have you heard who they're thinking of casting in the roles? So
far they have Christina Ricci (GACK!) as the supposedly lesbionic
Velma, and (you're not gonna believe this one!) for the role of
Shaggy, they're considering Dustin Diamond--that's right! Screech from
Saved by the Bell!

HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD??? Trust me on this one, folks: This movie is
gonna suck dead hippo dick, and if I am wrong, I will personally burn
all my beloved Charlie's Angels paraphernalia, including my
autographed photo of Lucy Liu with a missile between her thighs! And
you can trust me to do this because I am never, ever (well, almost
never) WRONG!

You are not entitled to your opinions.
	01234567 <- The amazing indent-o-meter!
        ^	    Matt McIrvin: the Nikola Tesla of tab damage.

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