[CrackMonkey] The UN speaketh
rick at linuxmafia.com
Wed Jan 3 18:08:50 PST 2001
U.N. Passes "Everyone Hates France" Resolution
Paris, France - The United Nations has declared universal hatred of
France a U.N. official said Saturday. "Pending further instructions ...
relations between France and all other nations should be suspended ...
in light of the present situation," she added.
The resolution was in response to new research from the Université de la
Sorbonne and Human Genome Project that the French are genetically
inferior and hereditarily bellicose. In a related study, two French
genealogy professors discovered that most of the destructive figures in
human history were actually French-from the Curies and Alfred Nobel to
Adolf Hitler and Judas Iscariot.
Reactions to the announcement were mixed. "I hate myself for being
French," said Marcel Deschamps, captain of the World Cup-winning French
national soccer team. "I have yearned since my birth to be of a
wholesome race, like the German or American. Or even a respected race,
like the British or the Pakistani. But instead I am French. That was
terrible before, but now it is simply abhorrent. I have to go to
EuroDisney just to feel human!"
John Howard, Prime Minister of Australia, was glad of the move, calling
it "bloody long-awaited! Those frogs have been blowing mushroom clouds
at us since we were English prisoners. It's about time they got what's
coming to them!"
"As we say in Arkansas, 'Crusty bread, crusty people,'" quipped
President Bill Clinton. "Given this revolutionary data, we are removing
France from Favored Nation trading status and adding Algeria."
In the same press conference, Defense Secretary William Cohen admitted
that the U.S. plans to invade Quebec and imprison all North American
French speakers in concentration camps to be constructed in Nebraska.
"It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it," he said. "Indoctrinating
these Quebecois with English is our responsibility to the rest of the
Both Cohen and Secretary of State Madeleine Albright stressed in
television interviews that it is the U.N. Security Council that must
stand firm against France's attempts to bribe its trading partners with
food, women and wine. "The United Nations has to stand up for what it
has obliged we member nations to do," Albright said on NBC's "Meet the
The U.N. Security Council, which until recently included France, is
currently in talks to divide the French countryside between Germany,
England and Luxembourg. No boundaries have yet been set.
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